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Sunday, February 22, 2004

 

I revise quite a bit, but I often hit up against a poem that simply doesn't want to work. It won't go any further, or at least, I can't see what needs to be done. In my last workshop, I brought in a poem that was seven four-line stanzas, and which I just couldn't seem to do anything with. The advice was: cut it to two stanzas, but keep the first stanza completely intact. So, first I got it down to four, then three, and now I finally have a version at two. I'll probably tweak with it some more, but I'm kind of amazed at the change. So here's before and after:

Before

Lord Jenkins

Jan 6, 2003

"Lord Jenkins dead" and the snow still falling
The headline read over someone’'s shoulder
While our suburban bus goes crawling
Past reindeer and a huge toy soldier

Though the Christmas season's nearly over.
Their papers personal window shutters,
The riders raise their heads, then lower
Them down to the day's events. And through the gutters

The bus sloughs the snow; it spurts and sputters
While slush dissolves into the aisle.
It stops and starts with weary mutters
For nameless riders in double file

Who read silently another mile.
"Lord Jenkins dead": and there is no fame.
While one man reads of a British noble,
We others have never heard his name

And not knowing each other's, cast no blame.
"Lord Jenkins dead"; he remains unwept.
On this commute, we are all the same
And no one knows where our souls are kept

Or who would care if one were swept
Away. We travel untouched, and blessed.
The bus jostles on like a thing inept,
Yet solicitous to do its best.

But, pull the cord; our stop is next.
Lord Jenkins, too, is getting up to go
Papers down, we've each passed the test
And can light into receiving snow.


After

Lord Jenkins

Jan 6, 2003

"Lord Jenkins dead" and the snow still falling
The headline read over someone's shoulder
While our suburban bus goes crawling
Past reindeer and a huge toy soldier.

The snow's thick negative is colder,
Crisper than newsprint's black-on-white text.
We sink into the bus's uplit smolder
And grow dreadful. The last stop is next.

_________

Less is more? Less is more! Suggestions welcome.

posted by Reen |link| 0 comments

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